Look,
I was always a G-string. Preferably of the Bonds hipster variety so the
world doesn’t have to see your G waving out the top of your jeans every
time you bend over. I was an early adopter of the G-string, back when
it was just beginning its migration from strippers and sex shops to the
mainstream. In the early to mid nineties I defended it from sceptics
who scrunched up their faces and said, ‘But isn’t it UNCOMFORTABLE?’
‘No!’ I insisted passionately. ‘No! You can’t feel it! Your bottom
adjusts! Try it! You must!’

But then, after a decade of G-string monogamy, I fell in love with
the boy-leg undie. So named for how it cuts across the top of your
thigh and underneath the back of your bottom instead of across-the-
buttock like a regular brief. The sides are thick. Almost like mini hot
pants. Cute. Comfy. Modern.

What distinguishes a boy-leg from a nanna knicker? Where the
waistband sits. Nanna knickers sit high, sometimes as high as your
bellybutton. Very Renee Zellweger in that Bridget Jones scene with Hugh
Grant, cavorting on the floor. In extreme cases, nanna knickers have
been known to migrate towards rib cages and even armpits.
Reassuringly,
boy-leg undies avoid the nanna trap by sitting low on the hip, a bit
like a seventies bikini bottom. The VPL is minimal because it doesn’t
cut across the cheek and sits low enough on the hip that you don’t feel
nanna-esque.

That’s how I came to my VPL conspiracy theory. The VPL isn’t nearly
as prevalent as we were led to believe by G-string peddlers, I argued.
“I can wear my boy-leg undies under my skinny jeans without a problem.”
Cue more debate. More pizza. Here’s where the conversation meandered to
from there:

Friend #1: “I still wear g-strings under tight clothes. The bigger
your bum, the more problems you have with VPL. It’s a bigger surface
area. More room for error.”

Friend #2: “ “I once slept in my g-string by accident after a big
night and it was awful. I only ever usually sleep in boy-legs.”

Friend #1: “Do you really sleep in undies? I never do. My mother taught me that my lady garden needs to breathe overnight.”

Friend #3: “My four year old saw me in a G-string the other day and asked ‘where are the rest of your undies mummy?’”

Friend #4: “We were talking about it at home one night and my
boyfriend confessed he doesn’t like g-strings. It was such a relief! I
hate them.”

Friend #5: “My husband is very sad about the decline of the g-string
and the rise of the big brief. He’s happy to see me in any state of
undress but if given a choice, he does prefer a G-string.”

Friend #2: “Oh men, prefer no undies, let’s be honest.”

Instead of taking the second-hand word of women on the crucial
subject of Which Undies Do Men Prefer, I thought I should ask some
people who have penises. Straight from the horse’s mouth. Or rather
pants.

“G strings are just a bit 2000 and rarely sexy,” said a 29-year-old
male friend. “Only the very firmest bottoms look good in them. As a
single guy you rarely get to see more than a flash of G while they’re
being peeled off – think about it - and only the genetically gifted
parade around in them.”

And this via email from a single 38 year old who has seen a female
undie or two in his time…”The rise of the floating G back or whatever
it is called, has ruined it for me. There are few public displays that
can turn a bloke off more.... A G-string grappling up over a pair of
too low cut jeans, trying to rest somewhere near a girl's
mid-back….that’d have to be a close second to public vomiting.”
“At least with a floating G, you don’t have to hold her hair back” I replied.
Then
there’s this from a 40-something married bloke. “They look so bloody
uncomfortable it’s no wonder smart girls are tossing them in favour of
those more sexy low cut hipster Bonds ones with a proper bottom. Surely
the G-string’s place is back in the eighties when they were worn for
special occasions under particularly tight fitting outfits to avoid
VPL, and coupled with shoulder pads.“

Finally, this salient observation from a newly divorced man who is
dating again after a 10-year hiatus. “You don't really see many body
suits anymore. Weren't they a treat with the silver press studs hidden
somewhere between Brazil and Tasmania……”

Visit Mia Freedman's Blog at www.mamamia.com.au